Monday, September 22, 2014

Life Lately

I've been going back and forth whether I want to post or not. Wasn't sure if I was ready to even talk/write about this for the interwebs to see but this blog is a place for me to put down my thoughts and writing is therapy for me. I apologize if this post is all over the place, I'm just writing whatever I'm thinking.

Life has been turned upside down for me in the last couple of months. Sometimes I look at it as a curse but mostly a blessing. It's tested my patience, my strength, and my love for friends and family.

So let's rewind from the last time I posted back in July.

  • My 27th birthday came and went. It was a great birthday! Definitely one for the books. 
  • August came and my boyfriend of 7+ years decided to go our separate ways.
  • I moved out of my house into my parents home to eventually move into an apartment.

So that's where I'm at now.

You read it right. J and I mutually decided to split. A part of me knew it was coming but I was so naive to believe it. I wanted it to work. I prayed it would work and that some day, somehow he would try to make this relationship work. I felt like I put so much effort and time into it that it was bound to last if only he had done his part. Part of me feels like he gave up on me. Like I wasn't worth working with or for. But...I know I don't deserve that. Of course, there were probably things I could have worked on but as a woman I feel like we put our entire hearts and lives out on the table for the ones we love. We just grew apart. Being with someone for 7+ years and basically growing up with them, our interests weren't the same anymore, we didn't do things together. We both weren't happy in the relationship. Yeah, the good times we had were amazing but a lot of the time it was just me. Alone. Waiting for him. I couldn't live my life like that anymore. We grew up and apart.

Letting go has been the hardest part. I know it was for the best. I know it's what I wanted a year ago. But my unhappiness was not a good enough reason to leave him. The thought of being alone was scary. Moving out and living alone terrified me. But I knew this is what I needed to do.

I love him and part me always will. It's been difficult to even talk about it without crying because a huge chunk of my life was spent with this special person. He was my best friend. He knew everything about me. He is a great person and I don't have negative things to say about him. He was just not the one for me. As much as I want to remain friends, it's more difficult that way. I have allowed him to see Rico occasionally but that's it.

Being the optimist I try to be, I'm looking forward to moving into my apartment in 26 days! I'm so excited to have a place all on my own. I've kind of had to start all over and get new furniture, appliances, home stuff, etc and I love it that I get to decide how I want to decorate!

I've been putting all my energy into buying new things for my place, hanging out with friends, watching movies, spending quality time with my family, and taking Rico to the dog park. I need to occupy my time as much as I can because then I just sit here re-thinking my entire relationship and about J.

I'm looking forward to the days ahead. I have my family and friends to thank for keeping me busy and keeping a smile on my face. They are my strength right now. I know because of them that everything is going to be okay. I'll be okay. I am okay. I can't wait for the future ahead and see what God has in store for me.

Thank you everyone for your uplifting words, prayers, and thoughts. They are very much appreciated!

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